What Is Emotional Incest? (Meaning, 6 Clear Signs, & Examples)
What is emotional incest syndrome? It’s when a parent leans on their child for emotional support—like they would with a partner or close friend.
The child ends up feeling responsible for the parent’s feelings, even when they’re too young to understand what’s going on. They lose the chance to just be a kid.
It might not seem harmful at first, but it can leave deep emotional pain that lasts for years. In this post, you’ll learn what emotional incest means, discover 6 clear signs, and see real-life examples that explain how it happens. But avoid being an ungrateful child.
What Emotional Incest Really Means
Emotional incest means crossing the line of healthy parenting love. Actually, it’s a form of emotional abuse. Because therapists call this a form of emotional abuse because it leaves deep, lasting effects. So yeah, emotional incest is real. And if someone has gone through it, they deserve support, not shame.
It starts when a toxic parent treats their child more like a partner, therapist, or best friend instead of being the parent. They lean on the child for emotional support, vent about adult problems, or even share things that are way too personal—like relationship issues, loneliness, or things a child shouldn’t have to carry. It’s not done with bad intentions most of the time, but it crosses healthy boundaries.
The child ends up feeling responsible for the parent’s feelings. They might feel special at first, but eventually, it becomes a heavy emotional burden. They start to ignore their own needs, grow up too fast, and may feel anxious or guilty without knowing why.
Even though there’s no physical contact, it’s still really damaging. Because it takes away the child’s chance to just be a kid and feel safe, cared for, and protected.
Why Is Emotional Incest So Harmful?
Because it forces the child into an adult role—and that’s not fair.
Even when it happens without bad intentions, emotional incest puts too much responsibility on the child. As therapists Eversoll and Richter explain, the child ends up carrying the parent’s emotional needs—something they’re not ready for and should never have to do.
This pressure can hurt the child in many ways:
- They feel guilty for having their own feelings or needs
- They struggle with low self-worth and often feel like they’re never enough
- And they lose their sense of self because they’re too focused on the parent
- They may have a hard time making friends or fitting in with other kids
- So they miss out on childhood joys—like playing, dreaming, and discovering who they really are
As they grow older, the damage doesn’t just disappear. In fact, it often shows up in adult life as:
- Anxiety, depression, or emotional numbness
- Trouble setting boundaries in relationships
- Constant guilt or confusion about their identity
- Feeling responsible for other people’s happiness
- Symptoms of Complex PTSD, especially if the emotional burden was heavy for years
Related- 7 Signs of a Narcissistic Father: Spot Each and Protect Yourself
6 Clear Signs of Emotional Incest in the Parent-Child Relationship
Emotional incest can be subtle but deeply damaging. Unlike physical abuse, it often hides beneath the surface of what appears to be a “close” parent-child bond. However, this closeness comes at the cost of healthy boundaries. Here are some common signs that emotional incest may be at play:
1. The Child Feels Responsible for the Parent’s Emotions
To begin with, in this kind of relationship, the parent expects the child to take care of how they feel emotionally. As a result, the child ends up trying to cheer the parent up, calm them down, or keep them happy all the time. Because of this, the child starts ignoring their own feelings and becomes too focused on the parent’s moods. Over time, this can damage the child’s ability to understand or express how they feel.
What usually happens next is that this becomes a cycle. The child uses all their emotional energy trying to manage how the parent feels inside. They’re always watching for mood changes, trying to prevent sadness or arguments. Eventually, they start to believe that if the parent is upset, it must be their fault—or their job to fix it.
2. The Parent Shares Grown-Up Problems with the Child
Another clear sign is when the parent tells the child about serious adult issues—like marriage problems, money stress, regrets, or feeling lonely. Instead of protecting the child, the parent treats them like a best friend, a therapist, or even a partner. However, kids aren’t emotionally ready for such heavy topics. This can make them feel anxious and force them to grow up too fast.
Even though these talks may seem like “being honest” or “open,” they actually put a heavy emotional weight on the child. These are problems the child can’t fix or even understand fully. As time goes on, this slowly takes away the child’s sense of safety, innocence, and emotional freedom.
3. The Parent Feels Jealous of the Child’s Other Relationships
In many cases, the parent may also become jealous when the child builds strong connections with others. For example, if the child gets close to a friend, a romantic partner, or even another family member, the parent might feel left out or threatened. Because of this, the child feels guilty for having close relationships outside of the parent. This keeps the child emotionally “stuck” and scared to connect freely with other people.
What usually follows is that the parent sulks, acts cold, or makes passive-aggressive comments. Eventually, the child starts to believe that being close to others means betraying the parent. As a result, they feel torn between wanting to grow emotionally and the fear of upsetting the one who raised them.
4. The Child Feels Guilty for Wanting Independence
children grow up, it’s completely normal for them to want more freedom and independence. However, in emotional incest, the parent takes it personally. So, if the child asks for space or starts making their own decisions, the parent may become sad, distant, or withdrawn. This makes the child feel guilty for wanting freedom. Over time, they may even begin to believe that doing things for themselves is selfish or hurtful to the people they love.
As a result, this guilt makes it very hard for the child to feel like a complete, independent person. Wanting to be on their own, making personal choices, or putting their needs first often brings anxiety and inner conflict. In some cases, they even hold themselves back just to keep their parent comfortable.
5. The Roles Are Reversed—The Child Takes Care of the Parent Emotionally
Another major sign is when the usual roles flip. In a healthy parent-child relationship, the parent provides emotional support to the child. But here, it’s the other way around. The parent leans on the child for comfort, emotional support, or even advice. The child might be praised as “mature” or “wise,” but deep down, they’re ignoring their own emotional needs.
At first glance, being called “mature for their age” might sound like a compliment. But in reality, it often means the child had no choice but to grow up too quickly. Later in life, these children usually feel like they always have to be strong and take care of others—even when it drains them completely. Vulnerability feels unsafe, and asking for help feels wrong.
6. The Child Struggles with Boundaries, Identity, and Emotional Closeness
Finally, growing up in this kind of emotional setup makes it very hard for the child to tell where their own feelings end and the parent’s feelings begin. So, they may struggle to say “no,” set personal boundaries, or even know what they really want. Later in life, they may either avoid emotional closeness or become overly attached too quickly.
Because of this, they’re often stuck between two fears: being too close or being too distant. This creates a push-pull cycle in their relationships. Trusting others, opening up, and simply being themselves starts to feel risky. Their identity often becomes wrapped up in what other people expect of them, making it hard to feel grounded or emotionally safe.
6 Real-Life Examples of Emotional Incest
Emotional incest not physical abuse, but it can deeply affect someone emotionally. And because it’s so hidden, people often don’t realize it.
These are all real-life examples. Emotional incest happens when a parent starts depending on their child for emotional support—like the child is their partner.
1. Trey MacDougal — A TV Character with an Unhealthy Bond
Trey was Charlotte’s first husband in a well-known TV show. His relationship with his mother went far beyond what’s normal between a parent and child.
His mother was always present in his personal life and even sat next to him while he took a bath—something clearly inappropriate for an adult son.
Because of this closeness, Trey struggled to build a healthy relationship with Charlotte. His mother had already taken the emotional space a partner should have.
🔸 Why this is emotional incest:
Trey’s mother didn’t treat him like a son. She leaned on him emotionally and crossed personal boundaries, making it hard for him to connect with others as an independent adult.
2. Jennette McCurdy — “I’m Glad My Mom Died”
Jennette was a child actress (on Nickelodeon). In her memoir, she shared how her mother had full control over her life.
Her mother controlled her weight, her career, and even her emotions. But the bigger issue was that her mom treated her like an emotional partner—not a daughter.
Her mother overshared private things with her, invaded her privacy, and didn’t let her grow into her own independent self.
Jennette always felt like her job was to make her mom happy, even if it hurt her own feelings.
🔸 Why this is emotional incest:
Jennette wasn’t treated like a child. Her mom used her for emotional support, like a partner would. Children are supposed to have their own childhood—not carry their parent’s emotional needs.
3. Christina Crawford — “Mommie Dearest”
Christina was the adopted daughter of actress Joan Crawford. In her book, she wrote that her mom was emotionally abusive and controlling.
Joan leaned on Christina for emotional support. She expected full loyalty from her, as if Christina were her equal. But at the same time, she treated her coldly and even cruelly.
Christina was always confused. On one hand, she had to meet her mom’s emotional needs. On the other hand, she didn’t feel emotionally safe herself.
🔸 Why this is emotional incest:
Christina was expected to take care of her mother’s emotions, even though she was just a child. She had no space for herself because her mom treated her more like an emotional partner than a daughter.
4. Therapy Case Studies — from “Silently Seduced” by Dr. Kenneth Adams
Dr. Kenneth Adams is the psychologist who first used the term “covert incest.” In his book, he shares real stories from therapy clients.
In these stories, parents said things like, “You’re the only one I can trust.” Or the child would feel jealous when the parent started dating someone—because the child was used to being the emotional center.
Some children said they couldn’t tell where their own identity ended and the parent’s identity began.
🔸 Why this is emotional incest:
The children had to carry too much emotional weight from the parent. The parent treated them like a partner—not a child. The child’s own feelings and growth were pushed aside.
5. Augusten Burroughs — “Running with Scissors”
Augusten wrote about his chaotic childhood in his memoir. His mother had mental health issues and put all her emotional baggage on him.
He had to deal with adult-level problems even though he was just a kid. In his house, there were no clear boundaries—nobody knew what was appropriate for a parent or for a child.
🔸 Why this is emotional incest:
His mother didn’t protect him—instead, she made him carry her emotional struggles. A child is supposed to feel safe and cared for—not take on adult responsibilities and stress.
6. Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA)
In stories shared by people who grew up with alcoholic or emotionally absent narcissistic parents, this pattern comes up a lot.
Since the parent wasn’t emotionally reliable, the child had to manage everything. They emotionally supported the parent, managed the household mood, and sometimes even filled the role of a missing partner.
Over time, the child became “the strong one” who helped everyone else but ignored their own needs.
🔸 Why this is emotional incest:
The child becomes the caretaker of the parent. Their own emotions get pushed away. The natural parent-child roles get reversed. The parent avoids adult responsibility, and the child ends up emotionally drained.
Now that you’ve seen the signs and examples of emotional incest. So keep remembering that you’re not alone, and it’s never too late to set healthy emotional boundaries and start healing.
